top design 1.01

i've been waiting for this show for months--i knew there was no way i could hate it. they could cover a skyscraper in my image and ask kelly wearstler to talk about how ugly i am before they set it on fire and i'd still love it.

the episode begins with the traditional meet-the-gang game...



...and right off the bat i hate these two. the tall one is the neurotic-and-not-in-a-fun-way type and strikes me as the type of girl who dates A LOT of gay men and is always surprised when she discovers the truth. and the other chick, lisa turner, is looking a bit too much like halle berry as storm.



see? except somehow, despite the fact that halle berry as storm was so FUCKING BORING IN EVERY X-MEN MOVIE, this lisa turner is even duller. and you know it's really bad when the only thing you say is, "hi, i'm lisa turner" and i don't like you.

i'm not gonna waste time on all the other contestants, but here's a little snippet about a few.



ryan is a skater/punk/artist/interior designer who likes to skate through airports. anarchy, dude!



carisa is in grad school and wants to offer her interior design knowledge to people "too poor to do it themselves." she's obviously going to be kicked off soon and can then join the peace corp, move to africa and realize her dream of making the lives of starving, HIV+ africans absolutely fucking fabulous. the other guy...sadly...is named erik...and furthers my belief that i am the only person remotely interesting with the name eric.



i'm not even going to bother looking up the name of the guy on the left because he bores the shit out of me, and i'm sure he's gonna be on the show for a while because he's good for drama. the guy on the right is named michael, has never painted ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE, wears gauchos with flip-flops, and looks like a rat. have you ever noticed that there are a lot of people in this world who look like rats? because there are. everywhere.



this is goil, like gargoyle, who went to yale and has at least two pairs of totally awesome glasses. i love him.

so anyway, todd oldham finally pops in and is, like, REALLY ANIMATED. i mean, dude is seriously acting like he's taken too many dolls. he's all, THIS IS YOUR WORKSPACE! THERE ARE DRAFTING TABLES! THE WALLS ARE WHITE BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO FILL THEM WITH YOUR FABULOUS DESIGNS! he tells the designers they have to design a room for a celebrity client they can't meet, shows them five "really funky, kitschy" objects that define this client, and then tells them they have two days and $50,000 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to make a tranquil space that fits this person. remember how on 'project runway' the contestants get like $25, three hours, and the assistance of a hobo to make a couture dress? and then halfway through they're told they have to finish the project blindfolded, hanging upside-down with their hands tied behind their backs? what's going on here? todd adds that they have to work in pairs, and when he sees that rat boy has to team up with nameless, sweaty midwesterner, he's all, omg i can smell the drama already. so can i, todd, so can i.

todd keeps playing coy and saying "he...or she" and "hers...or his" and it's really annoying and makes total sense by the end. of course i'm thinking it's amy sedaris, my love and todd's BFF. ryan the punk thinks it's weird al yankovic, which i'm not even going to dignify with a pithy retort.



the designers get to work and lisa talks about how she wants to do an asian thing, which makes perfect sense because a.) she describes herself as a "modern, ethnic" designer and b.) obviously tranquil means chinese wedding bed and zen zen zen everywhere. seriously, the asian tranquil thing is so HGTV i could barf. turn on any HGTV show and the second someone uses a synonym of "relaxing," everyone on the show goes asia crazy: zen waterfalls, vases filled with rocks, and that specific shade of green you only find in baby shit and cave lichen. anyway, everyone is doing kinda boring stuff that all looks derivative except for goil and his partner, who made a swing and a sand pit and a really gorgeous wraparound graphic across the walls. was it perfect? no, but at least it was playful, and (spoiler) if anyone can appreciate playfulness, it's a transsexual. thank god he's cool-looking AND talented. i feel really good about our future friendship.



finally the designers get to meet the judges, and i gotta say, this is seriously an all-star line-up of judges. as in, i would be so terrified to present my ideas in front of them, so i'll be nice for one second and give kudos to all the contestants.

...

ok, back to being an asshole. todd gushes over jonathan adler and kelly wearstler and when he gets to margaret russell, he's basically like, ...and margaret russell, newspaperwoman. todd then introduces the guest judge, the big celebrity client, and i'm so stoked to see amy sedaris burst onto the screen...



..and instead i get alexis arquette.

um, what?

i'm freakishly familiar with celebrities. all of them. seriously, i know more about celebrities than i know about my aunts and uncles. and that said, i have no fucking clue who this person is. and first i'm all, omg is that a tranny?? and them i'm like, oh duh, of course it's a tranny, and i was really embarrassed it took me a second to hit it. i did some research on imdb and apparently alexis was in 'pulp fiction' and i'm willing to bet she'll be making an appearance on "law & order: svu" in a year or so as a murderous tranny prostitute who kills her plastic surgeon because he filled her new breasts with lard. anyway, alexis is pretty funny, so i'm ok she's there.

the judges awkwardly walk around each of the designers' spaces and make notes, and then say goodbye in an even more awkward way, like when you go to an open house and the homeowners follow you from room to room but never say anything and just stare a lot.

the judges make a lot of slightly bitchy comments that aren't bitchy enough to be satisfying. margaret hates the sandbox (actually, she hates everything. i love her) but kelly is all, that is totally chinese. margaret then calls the other frontrunner a "glamourous dorm room" and crushes its hopes of winning. finally they all decide on a winner.

they drag the contestants back in and jonathan adler puts on his Serious Face, which looks to me like his Sad Face. goil and his partner (again, too boring to look up, sorry) win, and i'm excited because i've already picked a favorite.

everyone else is told they're safe and then it's down to lisa/storm & tall neurotic girl and sweaty midwesterner & rat boy. and duh, the ladies lose, because, you know, they both are obviously too boring to have any drama. if lisa had continued past this and gotten in an argument with another contestant, she totally would have been like, i've got some tension tamer tea in my bedroom, how about we make some and talk this out? i'm not sad she's gone.

also, jonathan adler finally unveiled the big kiss-off statement, the tag, the "you're fired!", the "you are haut," the "the tribe has spoken." can you guess? it's really brilliant.

he said, "goodbye."

GOODBYE? SERIOUSLY? the best he could come up with is the most basic form of ending a conversation? thank god he's a potter and not a writer. i think you are almost too cool for words, jonathan adler, but this simply will not suffice. even 'australia's next top model' has the bitchy 'thank you, now get out' end. what gives, dude?

so that's our first episode, friends. stay tuned next week for more wall-to-wall drama and some snide remarks from me.

edit: just read this in a comment on myaimistrue: "I'm pretty much in love with Kelly Wearstler. Her taste is amazing. I read an interview with her where she talks about putting a piece of lucite over her swimming pool, and having dinner parties on top of it."

oh my god, kelly, why aren't we friends yet? that is so disco i could vomit.