i'm thankful for a lot of things this year, but since i made a sworn promise a long time ago not to turn this blog into anything remotely emo, i'll distill my thanks through new music videos.
i'm thankful britney is back to looking tasteful and pretty, regardless of how trashy she inherently is. i'm thankful adam lambert is spreading the gay gospel do the mainstream, regardless of how trashy he inherently is, and most of all, i'm thankful janet is done rubbing her clitoris in our collective face, literally and figuratively. i'm praying she's finally realized we need her in pop music for good music that is at once sexless and sexy. with this nostalgia for her popularity in the 80s comes shoulderpads. ya'll, dynasty is back in a big way.
oh, timbaland, when robby and i talk about vampires, we're just nerding out and chatting critically about stephanie meyer and her flawed, xenophobic mythology. i'm assuming you disagree with meyers, too, but you've got it wrong: we agree that all vampires need to be supremely fuckable. unless you think "fuckable" means poorly crimped hair and over-sized suits.
i really hope ya'll became entertainers before you turned into vamps because, you know, basic english is really hard for those with fangs. see also: "we brouf friends, too" and "you should weave while you haf a chanph" i'm really hoping you recorded this album before you were turned because lisps are never that hot. just ask 50 cent or ice-t.
after reading for years that the wire was the best television show ever, i started watching the first season right after the latest season of mad men ended. i like to think of myself as a cultured, intelligent, young gentleman, but my TV diet of true blood, gossip girl, vampire diaries, 30 rock and occasional episodes of modern family and melrose place was too trashy a diet to sustain life. it's like the television equivalent of red bull and cheetos and frappuccinos, and ya'll, i have no idea how britney spears is still alive, let alone being alive and doing shit.
so i started watching and developed an unnatural fear of baltimore, maryland, but that fear was a good thing, like riding a roller coaster or watching a scary movie alone (or so i've heard).
then last week my apartment got burglarized.
whomever broke in only stole my rings and my favorite robe; he left all my tie clips and my macbook. my neighbor was not so lucky. when the police officer came to write the report, he said he was pretty sure he knew who did this and said he's been following him for a few weeks in police reports but could not yet track him down in person. instantly i thought: oh my effin' god, this is just like the wire and the guy who robbed me is super smart and street-savvy and has a scrillion back-up plans and pseudonyms and has developed a brilliant-yet-simple code to throw off the world and still appear to be stealing at random. and even if he's caught, he'll still break into people's apartments somehow.
i told my neighbor this (who is also watching the wire right now)(and also reads this blog. hey, tiffy!) and she scoffed. "umm i'm pretty sure he's just a crackhead," she said. let's hope, boo, because otherwise we're dealing with a huge syndicate.
but fer real: i'm thinking my life isn't the wire because the police officer who came to check out our building was nowhere near as hot as dominic west.
one day very soon my bedroom will be painted black, my bedding will be white, my headboard will be towering and mirrored, and i will have, like stefani germanotta before me, two matching mounts flanking my bed.
let's be honest: wouldn't you eff the es out of someone in a room like that?
Have you ever woken up one morning and suddenly had something that was just floating out there in the ether become this real, tangible, concrete thing whose absence in your life hits you over the head like a sledge hammer? Usually that thing is, you know, a person you've fallen in love with or a grand life goal or a plan to save the planet from ultimate destruction or whatever but yeah... I need this bag, like, right now.
i used to hunt for the perfect cologne, for the cologne i could wear often, on days when i wasn't going to do something in particular, just piddle around. the entire time robby told me that was pointless because colognes--like clothes and boys--are always conditional and only perfect for certain settings or situations. i mean, would you really take dan humphrey to a lady gaga concert? no, you would totally take eric van der woodsen.
a few weeks ago, after buying several samples from the perfumed count and after reading perfumes: the a to z guide, i went to a local fragrance shop in the mall armed with a list of colognes i wanted to sample and colognes i wanted to purchase. after sampling a few classics like grey flannel and deciding i didn't want to smell like my grandfather, and after i was starting to get a headache for overloading my olfactory senses, i did something supremely stupid: i bought azzaro for men. the second i left the boutique and returned to the normal, fast-paced, sweaty mall, i knew i had made a bad decision. i also realized my grandfather used to love the cologne, and while i'm eternally indebted to him, i have a tattoo on my left arm in his honor and i do not need to smell like him to remember him.
so i went back a few days later to trade in azzaro for something else. they didn't have guerlain derby, which is, of course, unavailable now that i've discovered it; they didn't have YSL M7, either. so in desperation i asked if they had any creed. when the woman said they did, i was like, give it to me now, girl.
robby is much better at describing fragrance than i am but i will say bois du portugal is very light and woodsy and citrusy. what i love most about this cologne is that it does not feel synthetic whatsoever. i don't know what value it is exactly but most colognes smell so synthetic and heavy (re: acqua di gio). you know, very manly, like you're the reincarnation of stanley kowalski. its the perfect cologne to wear in a cubicle or a long road trip or on a first date; it isn't oppressive or overwhelming at all. its the perfect mellow cologne.
i hope david lachapelle has introduced her to amanda lepore. it's about to be a (WHAT?) girl fight!
like your typical drag queen, xtina has decorated nicely but its too much for this gold digger. about her bedroom, she says, "i wanted a grand bed--to feel like a queen on a throne." does that make jordan bratman her trashy-but-successful underling who loves her? i've seen elizabeth: the golden age; queens love that shit.
i knew there was a plus to being such a stick of a man that i can't shop in the regular stores and must deal with the kiddie collections. i will not rest, however, until i find the band jacket, which isn't available online. why wasn't gapkids like this when i was in the fifth grade (who am i kidding, eighth grade)?
oh, how i have loved FANTASTIC MAN, the gentlemanly counterpart to BUTT magazine. this love affair, i fear, has come to an end due to the egregious choice of look for november 2009: a bodysuit paired with a body warmer.
"The throw-on practicality of the body warmer makes it a boon as the temperature in the Northern Hemisphere fluctuates between Indian summer and winter chill. Meanwhile an all-in-one bodysuit makes for an incredibly warming base-layer, and is surprisingly appropriate to wear on its own as an outfit in itself."
No, FANTASTIC MAN! Have we learned nothing from the rise of leggings-as-pants? Men of the world: it is not okay to go out in public wearing a pair of glorified longjohns.
1.) around the 2:01 point, the close-up shot of her super red, super shiny lips. i mean, aren't DSLs supposed to be sexy? i hate overt sensuality in pop culture.
2.) speaking of overt sensuality, that effin' unitard she wears in the hotel scenes. i blame beyonce for the unitard explosion sweeping the younger generations of the world right now. i don't want to declare an official war on unitards because i believe they can sometimes to sexy, but it seems to me a woman has to wear a unitard with a knowing smirk, like "yeah, i'm wearing a fucking unitard. can you believe this shit?"
3.) i'm hoping she isn't titling her album "leighton meester 2010." take a note from proper divas like beyonce and mariah and title the album a variation of "b'day" (perhaps just birthday, since she's covering that song on her album) or "memoirs of an imperfect angel who loves portraying a glamorous, evil bitch on TV."
4.) rings with appendages. oh, leighton, i didn't know you loved gimmick jewelry. i'd like to think blair waldorf would never wear such a thing. i think we can blame lady gaga for this.
5.) robin thicke's existence in your video. let me say this: i used to love robin thicke back when he went only by his surname. "thicke" is such a brilliant name for a white dude who sings r&b, and his was built-in because he's alan thicke's son! his styling in this video is bad enough (except that dreamy suit), but then he adds stupid gestures and sunglasses in the next scene. i don't know if i'm blinded by his tacky bling or his tacky pantomiming.
6.) on youtube, it says this:
Official Music Video For Song "Somebody To Love" By The American Electropop Singer Leighton Meester, Taken From The Album Leighton Meester Upcoming On January 2010, Check It Out
um, leighton meester isn't annie or sally shapiro or lykke li, so just call her a pop star. although props to her for following a different road than jennifer love hewitt and hilary duff.
7.) the "sexy" gyrations in the club. again, too overt.
8.) i honestly thought i would love her as a pop star. i was even prepared to give her her very own gold digger label and join the likes of the olsens, kate moss, beyonce, amerie, and rihanna. for right now, a label for "gossip girl" is all i'm willing to give.
